So... I don't really know why I did this. I was bored at first, but then I kept on doing it after it was taking an inordinate amount of time, and, well, go figure. Anyway, this recap is especially pointless because I didn't even tape the episode. As a result, probably half the details are all wrong. Therefore, this is not to be taken seriously in the slightest. If, for example, you tell me that I should have at least tried to get the names of the main characters, I will toss my hair and pretend I didn't hear you. But for anyone who may have missed the episode, what I remember of it pretty much goes as follows:
(Some woman is beaten and raped, and her kid is thrown out of a car. The detectives are appropriately sombered by this situation, but the woman seems less perturbed.)
SOME WOMAN: ::takes off with her kid::
ELLIOT: Hey wai wai wai wai wai wait! You have to, like, be examined and stuff. Also, your kid is on crack.
ELLIOT: Opiates, whatever.
SOME WOMAN, emotional: I would NEVER feed my baby drugs!
OLIVIA: You're breastfeeding, lady. You take drugs, your baby takes drugs.
SOME WOMAN: Oh... well, uh, he, uh, wants a nap. Or food, or, you know, something. So I'm just going to go and -
RANDOM HOSPITAL DUDE: Uh, notsomuch, no.
SOME WOMAN: ::seems slightly resistant::
KYLIE: So is this where unStabler comes in? Elliot is mad the woman isn't taking care of her kid and he drags her in and goes slightly apeshit and smashes some car windows or -
SOME WOMAN: ::acquiesces::
KYLIE: Oh. Right.
* * *
DETECTIVES: ::are doing detective-y stuff::
KYLIE'S MEMORY OF THE CHRONOLOGY: ::is fucked::
ELLIOT: Some Woman's totally an addict!
OLIVIA: The baby just got sick again!
FIN: There's a tape of the attack from a security camera!
MUNCH: I have to get *some* lines *some*times. It's in my contract.
CRAGEN: Right. People, do your stuff.
PEOPLE: ::do their stuff::
* * *
INVESTIGATION: ::leads detectives to empty bottle of "OxyCotin"::
OXYCOTIN:: ::is probably not enough of a name change to prevent the OxyContin people from suing if they really wanted to::
EMPTY BOTTLE OF OXYCOTIN: ::is tracked down to blonde lady::
BLONDE LADY: Oh, that's my mom's. She's out on a street corner right now, drinking tea.
ELLIOT: I would think drug dealer, but... nah. I mean, she's somebody's mom.
BLONDE LADY: Here, I will help you find her, and you will see she is just a SWEET OLD LADY who is VERY OLD and could not POSSIBLY be intricately intertwined in ANY of this.
* * *
OXYCOTIN MOM: ::is totally Ralphie's mom from A Christmas Story::
KYLIE: Dude, OMG. You don't actually expect me to take her seriously in this, do you?!
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::is now brain dead from soap poisoning, or something, and says very few things that make sense, but is clearly a drug dealer anyway::
ELLIOT: Like I said, though... somebody's *mom*, man. Like, for serious.
FIN: Yo, Elliot. Your daughter just got busted on a DUI. Oh, hey, Liv.
KYLIE: Oh SNAP!
KYLIE: ::never got out of the '90s, or '80s, or something::
ELLIOT'S TEMPLE VEIN: ::goes throb throb throb throb throb::
* * *
ELLIOT: ::shows up at the 15th precinct, assuming that is what "the 1-5" means::
KATHLEEN: ::totally glomps him::
KYLIE: Wow, that would so not be my reaction.
ELLIOT: ::strokes Kathleen's hair, acts entirely comforting and tender with no sign of anger that Kathleen just spent the night endangering her life and the life of everyone else on the road with her::
KYLIE: Then again, that probably wouldn't be my dad's reaction either.
ELLIOT: Why didn't you call me, honey?
KATHLEEN: I was scared.
ELLIOT: I know.
KATHLEEN: Of you.
* * *
KATHY: ::shows up::
KATHLEEN: Mommymommymommy!!! ::glomp::
KYLIE: Then again, perhaps she is just a very affectionate girl.
ELLIOT: What happened?
KATHY: I don't know! She went to a party -
ELLIOT: OMG YOU LET HER GO TO A PARTY?!?!?! YOU TRAMPBITCH WHORESLUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR DAUGHTER'S DELINQUENCY!!!!!!!
ELLIOT: I mean, uh, sorry. We'll talk about it in the morning.
KATHY: No, seriously, WTF?!?
* * *
(Some more shit happens. There is a suspect in Some Woman's rape, but I am totally missing how he fit into the larger plot of this episode, probably because he got dropped like a hot potato the second Ralphie's mom wandered in. FYI, he is some scuzzy-looking addict guy, and they caught him on a security camera attacking Some Woman, but nobody cares, really. Figured I should put that out there in some kind of exposition, since as far as I can remember it's pretty tangential to most of the scenes.)
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::has about seven prescriptions of OxyCotin and is selling them all over the place::
ELLIOT: Damn. And no one would EVER think she could be dealing drugs, because she is somebody's mom. And old.
RALPHIE'S MOM: A plan fiendishly simple in its intricacies!
RALPHIE'S MOM: Never mind. By the way, have you met my son?
ELLIOT: Yes, I believe we have met your son. Would he be the one who seems to go generally apeshit at the slightest provocation, or no provocation whatsoever?
RALPHIE'S MOM: Yes, that would be my son. Here is my son now.
RALPHIES MOM'S SON: ::is now firmly ingrained in our memories, as... whatever the opposite of "red herrings" would be... tend to be on this show::
RALPHIE'S MOM'S SON: ::shall henceforth be called Ralphie, because I can't remember his name at all::
* * *
TECHIE GUYS: ::do they thang with the zooming and the enlarging and the de-blurrification of the security video::
KYLIE: Why is there a security camera in some random alley again?
TECHIE GUYS: Okay, here is your standard Perp 1. As you can clearly see, he is the scuzzy-looking guy you already picked up, whom you have ascertained via SuperSleuthing to be Some Woman's dealer.
FIN: Right. What about the other guy?
TECHIE GUYS: Aha!
TECHIE GUYS: ::zoom zoom blowup blowup deblurrify etc.::
KYLIE'S TV RECEPTION: ::is still shit::
KYLIE: It's... a hand?
TECHIE GUYS: A woman's hand! See the pretty manicure?
EVERYONE: ::looks appropriately taken aback::
* * *
DETECTIVES: Lady, we know all. Except, you know, who the woman who raped you was. Whyn'tcha tell us?
SOME WOMAN: No.
OLIVIA: Look, we know women are much more brutal rapists than men. Men take what they want and have it over with, but with women it's about humiliation and domination.
KYLIE: So... women rape because of power issues, whereas men rape because they want sex? You have to love this show's consistency.
OLIVIA: So, come on, now I have shown you just how understanding and saintly I can be, tell us who did it already.
SOME WOMAN: No.
SOME WOMAN: No.
OLIVIA: Aw, come on. I am wearing out my most concerned look here.
SOME WOMAN: ...okay, it was Carol.
* * *
CAROL: ::is Blonde Woman::
CAROL: ::is also dead::
RALPHIE: ::has a spaz::
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::is missing::
* * *
(There is a scene change and I am forgetting some pieces here, which is probably because they were not that interesting. I'ma skip to the next scene I remember. Or maybe it happened before some of this. Whatever.)
CRAGEN: Elliot, can I talk to you a minute?
ELLIOT: Sure, what's up?
CRAGEN: I just thought I should yell at you for being a terrible father and bailing your daughter out when she got busted on that DUI.
CRAGEN: That was so totally unprofessional. How could you misuse your position that way?
ELLIOT: Still with the wtf.
KYLIE: Dude, OMGRUNAWAY. Seriously.
CRAGEN: And you're sending your daughter all the wrong messages -
ELLIOT: You've never been a dad!
CRAGEN: ::glares at Elliot::
ELLIOT: ::glares at Cragen::
CRAGEN: ::glares more fiercely at Elliot::
ELLIOT: ::glares more fiercely at Cragen::
CASEY: Hi guys! I thought I would - whoops, am I interrupting something?
EVERYONE: ::glares at Casey::
dancing_crazy: ::gives Casey a comforting hug::
* * *
OLIVIA: Guys... Some Woman's baby died.
SOFT VIOLINS OF MELANCHOLY WOE: ::play::
DETECTIVES: ::listen to violins somberly::
CRAGEN: Okay, enough of that, go pick her up.
* * *
SOME WOMAN: ::is huddled in a corner weeping::
ELLIOT: Are you okay?
SOME WOMAN: Why would you - how could you - um, no?
OLIVIA: You are so stoned.
SOME WOMAN: Whatev.
ELLIOT, in background: I need an ambulance for an overdose, blah blah blah blah blah.
OLIVIA: So, hey, on that note, Carol bit it last night. Without Mirandizing you or making any attempt to ascertain that you are at least mentally coherent enough to understand this question before you answer, did you kill her?
SOME WOMAN: She got me hooked. Hate that bitch. So, yeah, the whole murder thing - rock on.
ELLIOT: Ambulance's on its way. Also, CSU found a bloody fingerprint on a payphone outside Carol's place and the only call made from that payphone all night, apparently, was to a storage facility upstate. Let's roll.
OLIVIA: Awesome. Later, Some Woman.
SOME WOMAN: But, wait... the thing with the overdose, and the crying and the mourning and the possibly dying and...
* * *
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::is hanging out in some random-ass storage facility::
ELLIOT: You can't stay here, honey.
RALPHIE'S MOM: Oh, yes I can! There's a bathroom at the gas station and everything! And, see, look, I have a blanket that my mother gave me, and a picture frame over which I can sigh and reminisce tenderly, and, really, I'm totally cool.
ELLIOT: Seriously, let's just get you out of here and into someplace warm and -
RALPHIE'S MOM: Did I say about the bathroom? Haha, I'm cheerfully wandering into the not-so-early stages of dementia! La la la la la -
OLIVIA: So, did you kill Carol?
RALPHIE'S MOM, instantly sane: I think I need a lawyer.
* * *
DETECTIVES: So, you killed Carol, right?
RALPHIE'S MOM: ...yes. ::is all shifty-eyed::
CRAGEN: Hey, a minute here, guys?
DETECTIVES: ::whisper whisper whisper::
DETECTIVES: ::come back:: Dude, you totally didn't kill Carol at all. DNA came back. A man killed Carol.
RALPHIE'S MOM: I... uh... I... AHOOHOO::GASPGASPGASP::HOOHOOOOO!!!
OLIVIA: It was your spaztastic son, wasn't it?
RALPHIE'S MOM: AHOOHOOOOOOOO yes HOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RALPHIE: Hello! I'm here to pick up my dear old mum.
CRAGEN: Except for the part where you killed Carol and we're arresting you now.
RALPHIE: OMG MOMMY YOU SOLD ME OUT YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! I SPAZ AT YOU!!
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::cries::
* * *
CASEY: ::has Ralphie's mom on the stand::
CASEY: So tell me about the man you saw running down the stairs.
RALPHIE'S MOM: Man? What man? There was no man.
CASEY: ...no, see, that's - that's not what you're supposed to say, right? You totally said, yesterday - see? here, I'll show you the transcript - you totally said you saw a man. Who was the man?
RALPHIE'S MOM: Nope, sorry, didn't happen.
CASEY: Oh my God, this is so not allowed! ::to judge:: Is that allowed?
CASEY: Tell the jury about the man, Ralphie's mom!
RALPHIE'S MOM: ::to judge:: Is she a little slow?
RALPHIE'S MOM, to Casey: No man, dearie. No. Man.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY, bored: Dismissal, Your Honor?
JUDGE: Knock yourself out.
* * *
ELLIOT: So... run by me again why you just decided to perjure yourself and lie to protect your child?
ANVIL OF PLOT SYMBOLISM: ::teeters in the rafters::
RALPHIE'S MOM, dewy-eyed: He's my son.
ELLIOT: Okay then. ::plots to break ten frazillion laws to save Ralphie's mom from her son/herself::
* * *
ELLIOT: ::shows up on Ralphie's doorstep with social worker::
ELLIOT: Hello. We're here to poke around and make sure you're not mistreating your mother. Can I get a cup of coffee?
RALPHIE: Dude... just... LEAVE, all RIGHT?! ::is in pre-spaz mode::
ELLIOT: Nah, sorry. Just here to check your cupboard for food, make sure she's not hurt or anything, and oh my GOD are you feeding her FRENCH FRIES?! What kind of a sick bastard ARE you?!
RALPHIE: I - but the - hey - what the - THIS ISN'T FAAAAAIR!!
SOCIAL WORKER, privately to Elliot: He's right. Feeding your mom French fries is not yet a criminal offense.
ELLIOT: What kind of people do we have running this country, anyway?
* * *
OLIVIA: Elliot, where have you been? Cragen's way pissed at you. I think he might ground you or something.
CRAGEN: OMFGWTFELLIOT WHAT ARE YOU *DOING* WHEN DID YOU BECOME A CRAZED ELDERCARE CRUSADER WE'RE GONNA GET SUED AND IT'S GOING TO BE *ALL YOUR FAULT*!
ELLIOT: ...last time Liv did this, it took you way longer to get pissed, and she had to, like, violate restraining orders and shit before you flipped out. And just last week *I* busted into some guy's house without a warrant and threatened him, and you just kind of went "pfft". What gives?
CRAGEN: I do not LIKE YOU this episode. Watch it.
ELLIOT: ::glare of DOOM::
CRAGEN: ::glare of DOOM::
CASEY: ::has learned enough to stay the hell out of this one::
* * *
ELLIOT: ::goes to Ralphie's house again, where he finds Ralphie's mom out on the street corner in the rain, begging for spare change::
RALPHIE'S MOM: Spare a little change for - oh, crap.
ELLIOT: Sweetie, why are you standing out here in the rain? I know this is something that your evil, abusive, murdering son put you up to. Come on, go back in and spend the night at his place, okay?
RALPHIE'S MOM: No.
ELLIOT: Please, Ralphie's mom. I want to help you any way I can. I really care about you.
RALPHIE'S MOM: Thanks, but I think I'll stay here.
ELLIOT: Fine! I'm arresting your ass for disorderly conduct.
* * *
ELLIOT: Come on. Why won't you testify against your son and put him in jail? I'll drop the whole disorderly conduct thing if you do. And I'll be your best friend. C'mon.
RALPHIE'S MOM: ...yeah, well, anyway. He's my son, you know? If he made mistakes, they're partly my fault. I can't blame him for them; all I can do is try to help him pick up the pieces.
ANVIL: ::drops, smashing Elliot's skull in::
ELLIOT: Oh. Well, um. Yeah, I... how about that.
* * *
ELLIOT, to Fin: Feel like getting into some extremely dubious maneuvers which would probably get us in a boatload of trouble if anyone found out about them? I have this killer bee under my bonnet about that guy who killed his wife and feeds his mom French fries, and, you know...
FIN: Sure, sounds like fun.
ELLIOT: Yay! The Entrapment Like Whoa approach, you think?
ELLIOT AND FIN: ::corner some drug dealer on the street, force him to deal drugs to Ralphie::
POLICE: ::arrest Ralphie::
ELLIOT AND FIN: ::high-five at a job well done::
* * *
CASEY: He'll get a year in a rehab facility and -
RALPHIE'S MOM: OMG YOU ARRESTED MY SON YOU DID THIS. I KILL YOU NOW.
OLIVIA: Ralphie's mom -
RALPHIE'S MOM: Or cry a lot. See? Crying! You have totally traumatized me and ruined my life!
DETECTIVES: ::mull over this::
ORIGINAL RAPE CASE: ::is never mentioned again::