This episode wasn't quite as snarkable as the first (well, this is kind of predictable, as the reason that I did the recap of the last one in the first place was that it was practically screaming "SNARK ME!") Also, dancing_crazy's gonna wanna kill me, 'cause it's pretty damn heavy on Casey snark. I am sorry, Jillie dear! I'll buy you an extra scoop of ice cream when you visit Boston to make up for it.
I missed the first few minutes of this episode, so we are going to start at the part where a woman is telling Olivia and Elliot that she was raped by her husband, who is a cop. She is wearing a red shirt, so that is her name now. The interview seems to be progressing along perfunctory lines, until we get to:
OLIVIA: Where did he hit you?
RED-SHIRT LADY: YOU BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!
OLIVIA: Excuse me?
RED-SHIRT LADY: How could you SAY a horrible thing like that to me you bloodless reptilian frigid-ass medusa?!?!
OLIVIA: Ma'am, I just need to know -
RED-SHIRT LADY: ::howls:: YOU'RE COVERING FOR HIM!!! OMG POLICE CONSPIRACY!!!!!!111
OLIVIA: But I -
RED-SHIRT LADY: I DON'T THINK SO!
OLIVIA AND ELLIOT: ::exchange glances::
OLIVIA AND ELLIOT: ::go to pick cop dude up::
COP DUDE: ::is shaking some homeless woman awake::
ELLIOT: Hi, how ya doin'?
COP DUDE: Can't complain. ::absentmindedly kicks at homeless woman::
ELLIOT: ::raises eyebrow::
COP DUDE: ::shuffles::
ELLIOT: ...say, I have a fun idea. Why don't you come down to our precinct, and we'll ask you some neato questions.
COP DUDE: Questions about what?
ELLIOT: Oh, you know. Stuff.
COP DUDE: In YOUR CAR?!
ELLIOT: ...uh, no. No, take your own car. We'll follow you.
COP DUDE: ::stares at them expressionlessly for a moment::
ELLIOT: ::smiles in his Elliot way::
COP DUDE: ::abruptly kicks the shit out of a grocery cart full of cans::
HOMELESS LADY: HEY!
COP DUDE: ::wanders off, content again::
* * *
ELLIOT: ::is interviewing Cop Dude::
KYLIE'S TELEVISION RECEPTION: ::abruptly comes into clearer focus::
KYLIE: OMG YOU ARE THAT SCARY SCARY SERIAL KILLER MAN FROM MANHUNT! OMG YOU SCARE ME GO AWAY.
COP DUDE: You have no reason to hold me. You have no proof I've done anything.
KYLIE: EXCEPT THAT YOU BUTCHERED DOZENS AND DOZENS OF PEOPLE IN REALLY TERRIFYINGLY AWFUL WAYS OMG.
ELLIOT: ::does not notice that this man butchered dozens and dozens of people in really terrifyingly awful ways::
KYLIE: No, because, see, you did, and you are scary and I want you to please not be on my screen anymore?
* * *
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: Well, you know, he did used to hit her. Sometimes. I mean, not that much, really.
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: But, I mean, they had a kid on the way! What was I supposed to do?
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: ::laughs:: Don't tell me you wanted me to *tattle* on him! That is so not cool!
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: I'll keep whining as long as you need me to.
OLIVIA: Really, that's okay. So what did they fight about?
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: She thought we were having an affair!
OLIVIA: And were you?
SERIAL KILLER'S HOT FEMALE UNIFORMED PARTNER: I'd rather have an affair with you.
ALL THE OLIVIA FEMMESLASHERS: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
KYLIE: ::spit-takes and hoots and chortles and squeaks and loses a good four lines of dialogue::
SERIAL KILLER'S PARTNER: - his service tour in Afghanistan.
KYLIE: Wait, Afghanistan? How did we get to Afghanistan?
KYLIE: Whatever. LESBIANS!!!!
* * *
SERIAL KILLER'S CAPTAIN: Hey, guys thanks for
SERIAL KILLER: Sure thing. Just give me my gun and we'll be outta here.
SERIAL KILLER: No, for serious, my gun.
SERIAL KILLER'S CAPTAIN: Um, no dice, hon.
SERIAL KILLER: I WANT my fucking GUN.
SERIAL KILLER'S CAPTAIN: All right, I've had just about enough of your lip -
SERIAL KILLER: OMGGUN!!!! ::jumps on top of captain and starts beating the shit out of her::
KYLIE: ::cowers in fear::
SERIAL KILLER: ::THRASH THRASH SMACK SMACK FACESMASH FLAIL::
CAPTAIN, through broken teeth: Oh, bitch, you are SO fired.
SERIAL KILLER: ::gets dragged away, still flailing::
CRAGEN: Okay then! I want to see mops for that blood on the floor, people.
* * *
CRAGEN: So, this Afghanistan tour thing. You think we could be looking at... PTSD?
OLIVIA: Maybe... maybe he *did* rape her.
ELLIOT: I'll tell you, it's a good thing we didn't let him go.
KYLIE: Why in the hell are *all* you guys Huanging around?
FIN: Uh, sorry to interrupt, folks, but some other cop just killed *his* wife.
* * *
In the next scene there is a half-naked guy moaning and yelling and being crazy, and as he is a pretty decent actor, this scene is really not very funny. He killed his wife... yeah, really not funny. Tries to blow his head off while his ten-year-old son watches - yep, definitely no funny there. I could snark on the way that Elliot starts T!I!P!ing like hell the second the kid enters the scene, but why bother? We like Elliot, now he's stopped itching to kill random suspects for at least a week. Let's move on.
* * *
CRAGEN: OMG THE WIFE'S DEAD!
ELLIOT: OMG THE HUSBAND'S ALIVE!
OLIVIA: OMG SERIAL KILLER AND HUSBAND DUDE WERE IN AFGHANISTAN TOGETHER!
MUNCH: OMG I NEED A LINE!
EVERYONE: ::ignores Munch::
* * *
CRAGEN: Hey, look, guys, the papers have more details about this than we do. How'd that happen?
CASEY: Hey, look, guys, the papers have more details about this than we do. How'd that happen?
EVERYONE: ::ignores Casey::
* * *
HUANG: ::is interviewing Serial Killer::
KYLIE: I don't even know which one of these people scares me more.
SERIAL KILLER: So... I have nightmares.
HUANG: What sort of nightmares?
SERIAL KILLER: You know. The scary kind.
HUANG: Nightmares are often scary. Now, this would indicate to me that perhaps you have issues with fear. How are the meds?
SERIAL KILLER: Fantastic. They make the crazy stuff go away and everything.
HUANG: What crazy stuff?
SERIAL KILLER: Well, sometimes I think people are following me around and tapping my phones. And sometimes I want to slice my throat open... and sometimes I want to descriiiiiiibe slicing my throat open... in intense detail... with sharp sharp razors and gushing blood... until all the terrified young 'net-addicted blondes at home have to hide under the covers...
KYLIE: ::is hiding under the covers::
HUANG: Yes, well, based on your description of paranoia and suicidal ideation, I'd say you're suffering from paranoia and suicidal ideation.
KYLIE: ::pulls the covers up tighter::
HUANG: Tell me, what else have you noticed about yourself?
THE PREVIOUS LINE: ::is a direct quote::
KYLIE: ::gives up and runs away::
* * *
HUANG: It's not PTSD.
ELLIOT: How come?
KYLIE: Because he's... totally schizophrenic? I mean, this is really not much of a question, here.
HUANG: Well, if it were isolated, I would say it was schizophrenia.
ELLIOT: But since this other guy has it?
HUANG: It must have an... environmental cause.
KYLIE: ::just wants to make fun of anything Huang says, even when it is reasonable, because he is SO DAMN ANNOYING::
* * *
ELLIOT: So, what's the deal with Serial Killer?
ARMY DOCTOR: Ummm... we don't... have access to that information. What I mean is, we never examined him. Or anything. Right. That.
ELLIOT: But he had to self-report, right?
ARMY DOCTOR: Uhh... like... STONEWALL! ::runs away::
* * *
MUNCH AND FIN: Hey, what can you tell us about Serial Killer?
OTHER ARMY DUDE: I... can tell you that this is a wall, and it is made of stone. ::also runs away::
* * *
ELLIOT: No, for serious, what's up with Serial Killer?
OTHER ARMY DOC: STONEWALL STONEWALL NYAH NYAH NYAH!
ELLIOT: C'mon, I was in the Marines and everything. Doesn't that give me a right to access the confidential medical records of every soldier ever in the history of the military?
OTHER ARMY DOC: HAHAHAHAHA no. Piss off.
* * *
ELLIOT: Man, these stonewalls are -
CRAGEN: Dude! The Sentinel! They keep scooping us. Husband Dude just got court-martialed - people, we are SO supposed to know this stuff first. Go find this guy and make him dump the contents of his brain.
ELLIOT: I'm on it.
* * *
[Elliot and Olivia find Reporter Dude. He is going through someone's garbage.]
ELLIOT: Ah, going through other people's garbage - the first step on a long road of sexual deviance.
REPORTER DUDE: Wtf? Also, you want my source, you're on crack. ::continues rooting through garbage::
ELLIOT: On what?
REPORTER DUDE: On crack... you know, it's a derivative of cocaine which... aren't you a cop, dude? Whatever, anyway. He is BEING FRAMED and that's all I have to say.
OLIVIA: So, if he's being framed, why are you publishing it?
REPORTER DUDE: Because it
ELLIOT: Tell us!
REPORTER DUDE: No.
REPORTER DUDE: No.
ELLIOT: OMG THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
REPORTER DUDE: ::diez of shame:: Ask the army about Quinniam.
KYLIE: ::wonders what the children have to do with any of this, anyway::
* * *
[The Cell Phone of Plot Advancement brings us to the jail or hospital or whatever where Serial Killer was being held, where we find...]
WARNER: ::is hot::
KYLIE: ::enjoys the yumminess, loses more dialogue::
BLOOD STREAKS ON THE WALL: ::divert Kylie from yumminess::
WARNER: ...ran headfirst into the wall. Twice.
KYLIE: Wait, who did? What? Oh, Serial Killer? Right, carry on. Oh, and, um, OH WOE THE TRAGEDY OF HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE.
WARNER'S HOTNESS: ::is slightly spoiled for the rest of the scene::
* * *
MUNCH: So... still with the stonewall like whoa. Also, I would like to note that I HAVE LINES in this scene.
DICK WOLF: Hey, you got a whole ton of lines last week, and you broke laws and Took!It!Personally and everything. That was a gift, buddy. You're good for another season and a half now.
MUNCH: ...right. So, Quinniam.
CASEY: What's Quinniam? Can you explain it to me?
OLIVIA: It's an antimalarial drug which has the side effect of turning people into lunatics.
MUNCH: ::is a font of knowledge; thumbs nose at Dick Wolf::
ELLIOT: ::defends the Army::
MUNCH: ::does not defend the Army::
KYLIE: ::begins filing her nails::
CASEY: But... no, seriously, Quinniam? Like, what... is Quinniam?
OLIVIA: ::brushes past this:: They keep changing the warnings on it. Let's check it out.
CASEY: ::chases Olivia out of the room:: Olivia, help me! I don't understand!
* * *
CASEY: So, this Quinniam stuff. It causes suicide, right?
KYLIE: ::debates whether it's worth taking issue with the phrasing "it causes suicide" when such a thing is impossible, and the most a drug could do is to cause suicidal ideation or tendencies; decides that this is a bit of a drop in the ocean, and lets it slide, albeit paraleptically::
PARALEPSIS: ::is Kylie's new favorite word::
QUINNIAM MAKER: No.
CASEY: But, look, it says so on the label. Right? Like, right here?
QUINNIAM MAKER: Well, it's... ::sonorously:: FDA compliant.
CASEY: But, like, dude, people are committing suicide, and stuff. That kind of sucks.
QUINNIAM MAKER: Well, the risk is low.
CASEY: ...low risk?
QUINNIAM MAKER: And, wait - did these people who killed themselves even *take* Quinniam?
CASEY: OMG YOU ARE SO TOTALLY GUILTY.
QUINNIAM MAKER: But... that's... kind of an important point?
CASEY: I'll call when I get your answers.
KYLIE: What?!? Do you mean you'll call to get his answers?! What are you -
CASEY: ::storms out of the room, backwards::
* * *
HUSBAND DUDE: ::is awake, and has been crazy, clearly::
HUSBAND DUDE: I just... I thought she was having an affair, you know? I woke up one morning and it had dropped into my head. I was... things were getting more and more out of control, and now I've killed my wife, and ::he starts crying:: I don't even know how my son can possibly hold up after -
CASEY: Whatev. Did you take Quinniam?
HUSBAND DUDE: ::is startled:: I... um... ::chokes back a sob:: yeah. I used to yell about insurgents.
KYLIE: Is that really such a psycho thing to yell about when you're a soldier in Afghanistan?
HUSBAND DUDE: I also waved my gun around and frightened my fellow soldiers with my mania.
CASEY: BINGO! Thanks, sweetie, gotta run.
* * *
CASEY: So, what do I do, put the Army in jail?
ANVIL OF FORESHADOWING: ::snickers::
CASEY: Not that it matters. I mean, he didn't have to take the drug.
KYLIE: OMG WTF IS WRONG INSIDE YOUR HEAD?!?!
ELLIOT: ::goes off on a long spiel about duty to country, and life in the army, and the tragedy of it all::
TWENTY THOUSAND RATHER AWESOME ELLIOT BACKSTORY FICS: ::begin to write themselves::
ELLIOT: And nothing justifies the Army's not informing him of the risks of Quinniam.
CASEY: Oh, right! That! ::scurries off::
* * *
REPORTER DUDE: OOH! You're back. Dish, honey.
CASEY: You know, I like the First Amendment, but I'm a bigger fan of saving soldier's lives.
KYLIE: Then perhaps law is not the career for you?
MUNCH: Imagine her standing in front of a jury, talking about love of country and the American flag and...
REPORTER DUDE: So you'd take advantage of terrorism fears to circumvent the Bill of Rights? That's despicable.
MUNCH: You didn't let me finish. I don't give a shit about that. I just wanted to let you know that if this happens, she may well show up in court covered in red, white, and blue from head to toe. Wearing sequins. SEQUINS!
REPORTER DUDE: TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP.
CASEY: Okay! I'm gonna take on the Department of Defense! Wanna come?
MUNCH, low-voiced: Sequins.
REPORTER DUDE: Anything I can do. ::hands over a spreadsheet with the names of all the soldiers who went batshit on Quinniam::
* * *
[Casey is attempting to get into some Army base or other.]
GUARD: Sorry, ma'am, you're going to have to leave.
CASEY: No, I have an appointment.
GUARD: Really, the doctor can only meet with army personnel. ::looking her over:: He, uh, did tell me to give you a list of some other psychiatrists in the area.
CASEY: No, really, I have an appointment! I do!
SOLDIER: Have a nice day. I hope you find some help for your... uh... issues.
CASEY: You're not even listening!
SNARK: ::enjoyed writing itself for this particular scene::
* * *
ARMY DOCTOR: Don't you EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN. Seriously.
CASEY: C'mon, you contacted the press and stuff. What's a few more subpoena-able confessions between friends?
KYLIE'S CAT: e98yuieuiohgfdgyhhihofdsssssfdgfgoihoyfg
KYLIE: Sorry, carry on.
ARMY DOCTOR: ...right. Anyway, so, yeah, maaaaaybe Quinniam drove soldiers a little crazy. But, I mean, malaria sucks too. It's a dance.
CASEY: Cool. So what more can you tell me for when I bring the criminal charges?
ARMY DOCTOR: Ummm... sweetie? You... really can't handle this. Like, at all.
CASEY: But once I call you to the stand -
ARMY DOCTOR: OH NO OH NO. No, no, no. NO.
CASEY: C'mon, what are you worried about? Saving your career? You totally don't want that stupid job anyway.
ARMY DOCTOR: ::is terrified::
KYLIE: ::wants to step into the screen and, using the same logic, make Casey into a florist; she would be cute as a florist, and there are lots of pretty purple flowers with green leaves, and she could wear her floral hat and EVERYTHING::
KYLIE: ::is all about this idea::
CASEY: ::is now a florist, inside Kylie's head::
* * *
CASEY: ::back in reality, wears a horrendous fuchsia blouse that synesthetically deafens Kylie::
CASEY: ...indict the army for rape and murder.
BRANCH: CASEY NOVAK GET THE FUCK IN HERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. ::slams door::
ELLIOT: What's that about?
CASEY: Oh, he's probably just pissed that I subpoenaed Donald Rumsfeld.
KYLIE: ::laughs hysterically through three-quarters of the commercial break::
* * *
BRANCH: OMG YOU CANNOT SUBPOENA DONALD RUMSFELD HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BRAIN STEM. Also, do I have to remind you that I have been known to FIRE
CASEY: ::gives the whatever look::
BRANCH: I understand you must be very cozy in your Upper West Side apartment sipping chardonnay while other people are getting blown up, but -
CASEY: I OBJECT to the insinuation that I live on the Upper West Side and drink chardonnay! Also, my DAD was a soldier, so PISS THE FUCK OFF AND LET ME SUBPOENA DONALD RUMSFELD.
BRANCH, slightly chastened: You are still deranged, and you're still not doing this.
CASEY: Well, here's an idea. How about I don't really bring it to a jury? How about I just bring it to a jury?
BRANCH: Well, okay. But NO RUMSFELD.
* * *
ARMY DOCTOR: ::is on the stand::
CASEY: So, tell me about the soldiers you treated who went wacko.
ARMY DOCTOR: Their problems were due to... unknown etiology.
CASEY: Unknown hmmm?
ARMY DOCTOR: ::explains "etiology"::
CASEY: Ohhhhh... hey, wait! That's totally not what you said before!
ARMY DOCTOR: ::shiftyeyes::
CASEY: OMG THIS IS SO NOT HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!
ARMY DOCTOR: ...right. Anyway, there were other factors.
CASEY: Seriously, what is it about me that makes people perjure themselves?!
ARMY DOCTOR: ::opens his mouth::
CASEY: Don't answer that! What other factors, anyway?
ARMY DOCTOR: Oh, you know, the usual. Genetics, noise.
CASEY: NOISE?! C'mon, tell the court that this stuff is not safe!!!
ARMY DOCTOR: ::looks guilty; sells Casey out hardcore::
CASEY: ::represses ricocheting 400-db howl of case-loss; fixes Army Doctor with GLARE OF DOOM::
* * *
CASEY: What did they do to you?! Tell me about the threats and coercion! Tell me about the bamboo shoots under your fingernails and the Chinese water torture! TELL ME ABOUT THE TORTURE, ARMY DOCTOR!
ARMY DOCTOR: ...
CASEY: Why didn't you come to me? I could have helped you and when the truth came out they could never have touched you!
ARMY DOCTOR: ::blinks slowly:: Lady, are you for real?
* * *
The show closes with everyone drinking at a bar and talking about how shitty life is, particularly when the army thinks that schizophrenic soldiers fight better than soldiers with malaria. Casey has officially lost to the D.O.D., which is a completely unbelievably shocking turn of events, of course. Pictures of troops are played on the TV screen, and everyone is sobered. And the sad violins play on.